Visualized, performed, then you understood

I imagine sasana budaya hall that we proud of, crowded by hundreds of people who want to witness the spectacular night, sparkled by the multi-talented Sastra students performing on Magenta Show - or one of a kind. We are about to perform the special performance, a collaboration between the 5 majors on the Faculty of letters: A multilingual theatrical performance! a collaboration of drama, poem recitation, dance, sing along, choir, happening art.....
And we also contribute on the performance as well.
On our part....
Slowly the light turns off. The big screen displays a sakura tree, with its flowers falling, blown by the wind. The intro of JKT48's song Boku No Sakura played. A blue lamp in the middle of the stage starts to be turned on. Slowly, I walk forward, to the front part of the stage. Wearing a beautiful blue yukata and big ribbon on my veil. Staring at the whole audience. Start singing the song....

"Memperbaiki garis putih di lapangan sekolah,
dibawah matahari aku berlari, hari-hari masa muda.....
Jalan milik kamu terbentang lurus dan terus memanjang
Angin yang sesaat bersama dengan debu, memori jauh disana...."

With all my heart feeling the lyrics. To let my emotion drowned inside the melody. I present this song for you. And I do hope you will listen....
Colorful lights shine all over the hall and one bright spotlight on the stage emphasizes that - yes, this feeling is this strong, dear.
The big screen displays the English and Arab translation of the song. Also, it displays a silhouette of a man having fairy wings, bringing a baton and waves his hands. Yes, he's a conductor.
As if he's leading me on singing this song.....

"Pada tujuan yang aku ingin, langit biru menunggu diriku
Mana yang lebih dulu memutuskan pita, bagaimanapun juga boleh...
Musim upacara kelulusan, di dalam dadaku angin bertiup....
Bunga sakura ini tercerai berai di tempat memikirkanmu."

Then it comes to the bridge part of the song. I raised my hand then take it down- yeah, that is the choreography of this very song. While raising my hand up and down, there are some girls coming to the stage from both sides. Wearing choir robe. Making a formation, and start singing along with me. Yeah, they are becoming my background vocals.

"Satu tujuan yang aku ingin, terus jalan walau tak akan sampai
Ditengah mimpi airmata mengalir, kuhapus dengan tangan ini....
Kakak kelas yang berlari didepan, menghantar bayangan yang panjang
Bunga sakura yang tertinggal pasti suatu hari kan berkelana dari ranting"

There comes the coda of the song. I move my hand over my head and bring it down on the microphone stand - again, this is the choreography of Boku No Sakura.
The music ends. Everyone cheered. then the light turns off.

I run to the backstage and burst into tears.
If only you know, I just visualize my situation, dear.....

I AM THIS STRONG! I PROMISE!

Hi, dear.....
it was 2 weeks ago when I had a farewell party with one of the best lecturers I have, Bu Evi Eliyanah....

which one is the lecturer ?

She will depart to Oz to pursue her Ph.D.  Lord, what a bless YOU give for a bright and excellent lecturer like her...
I experienced being taught by her twice, on my Basic English Grammar and Critical Listening class. Well, FYI, my 21st birthday was celebrated on her class, hehe.

I learned many things from her, It's such a honor to be taught by her.

On the farewell party, we watched a documentary film about a prostitution in Trenggalek, and a discussion afterwards.
Finished with the discussion, Bu Evi continued with how the story relates with our life. And her tough life as well.
It was a very touching story, dear .....

and I remember her words exactly,

"You have to push yourself that hard. Get out from your comfort zone."

You know, dear...
Bu Evi cried when uttering those words, and so did we. It started with Sita who said, "Maam, we won't meet you again after this. We'll be missing you"....  Yes, Sita said it with tears. Then most of us couldn't hold our tears also....

I was very touched by her words. It was awakening me. Thanks, maam :)

Dear, to tell you the truth,
During these months, I got a problem - a big one. Perhaps it sounds silly for you - and for any other youths.

Dear, I'm in love.

And I'm in love with a guy who has a girlfriend already.

You can simply say "Ignore him! find another one!" if you hear me saying that, yes, I'm in love.
What's worse, for 22 years I live, this is the first time I fall in love with a guy - a guy I really meet in the real world and am interacting with.

I used to be a fan of my teacher - and what's worse, I was kinda exaggerating.
If my teacher were a member of JKT48, I am surely a wota of her. Yes, my affection to my teacher was in a Wota level. (hehe, I finally understand the term "WOTA" after being a fan of JKT48, lol). Many friends said that I care about her too much.

It is a mistake. I admit it. And I regret, now I have promised myself not to focus on her too much, I forget my longing feeling of being taught by her, and I let myself busy in my activities as an English Tutor, Senator, and a senior student.
Allah is kind, He gave me an object to distract me from my teacher, a very fabulous one. He's my friend in this university.

I didn't realize when my heart was brought by his wave and then drowned inside his ocean.
I didn't realize it at all, suddenly I feel hopeless inside his wave. I couldn't do anything but hoping. A wish I sing inside these tears. When I realized that I can't reach him although I have a very good interaction with him....

A friend said to me, "Ngie, you can't put your hopes on him. His heart is locked already"

You know how much that hurts. I believe that all of you know it better than me, dear... This is the first time for me to fall in love with a guy, and I haven't been in a relationship before.

I couldn't do anything but to let myself burst into tears.
And I keep on hoping for him but I can't get him. I can't make him mine...

It's very hard to kick this feeling out of my heart. Harder than anything. Harder than doing a thesis. Harder than doing 100 physics test items. When he's always around. Along with the melody played in my mind.

I can't stand of it.
It hurts indeed.

Now, after 22 years living in this world, I finally know how it feels to fall in love and got broken heart at the same time. I fell into ruins.  I simply have no passion to do anything.
In short, is it what-so-called depression?

A friend told me,
"Ngie, you are multi-talented. There are many things in front of you that can make you shine"

I try to distract myself from this affection. I dared myself to do so.
I tried to dare myself to do some things unusual that can refresh my feeling. And I tried to....

perform HEAVY ROTATION DANCE on sastra soultime 4!! hahaha...
believe me ? believe me? I Danced HEAVY ROTATION!

OK, I don't want to talk too much about that event. I danced poorly, you know.

The most important thing is the efforts I do for moving on. Yea, moving on is hard, I know.
I remember what Bu Evi said, that I have to push myself this hard, push myself from this affection....

I'm saying to myself,

I am this strong. I am this tough. God set me to be a fighter. Anxiety due to this affection should not make me fall down.
Although it's very hard, but I keep on fighting!!

Bismillah! Taiyou shita waratte, utare, odore, JIYUU NI!!

Lord, You can read it in my eyes...

(several hours ago I browsed my facebook page and found out this note I wrote on August. I think it's nice to be shared here)

Lord, You can read it in my eyes, how I miss those moments. the very first time I got my driving license, I dared myself to ride that far. To the eastern part of this city, a place that I never been before.

It's very easy to go there, but it's hard to recall the memory and also the atmosphere that I felt 4 years ago...

The tarkhim I listened along my journey on searching that very brown house.

The afternoon sunshine that encourages my sweats to run along my face.

Remembering those kids running along the alleyway, seizing one another

their cheerful laughter. 

the way my heart yelled when I found that very brown house.

the way I knocked the door

the way I was greeted by that grumpy face

I wanna recall those memories,

cause I know, they still linger there, in sawojajar....

(and tomorrow I gonna go to sawojajar before I go to mburing to work on Discourse Analysis assignment in Sheila's house. Let's see whether I can still feel the atmosphere I describe in this note, LOL xD)

Cherry belle in me

Tuhan, tolong aku

ku tak dapat menahan rasa di dadaku

Dear Lord, Please help me. I can't control all the feelings inside my heart. Yes, I can't control it. the feeling that drives me to the places I've never been before.  I always go there everyday, just to see his car, and I ignore my motor's fuel...

I don't know why am I always attracted to do this kind of thing. driving to that place everyday, just to see this car, then I go back to my campus. and when the class is over, I went back there, to see that car again.

Lord, this enthusiastic feeling crawls over my body. My heart screams bloodily.

Ingin aku memiliki

namun dia ada yang punya

Lord, I know that being in love doesn't mean that I should belong to the guy I'm in love with. but he's all about excitement. I'm sure that I can paint my sky with rainbow if I'm with him. If only I could, Lord..

I want to belong to him. But You have decided the fate, You have given him the best for his life: a princess. He has already got his princess, and she's not me.

I don't know why.......

Tuhan, bantu aku.

Ternyata dia kekasih sahabatku...

Should I hurt her feeling?

What I know is that nothing's wrong with love!

Love is a matter of one person. He/she can love anyone, as big as what he/she wants.

You are already the best for him, matey. I don't know who am I for him,

what I know is that he knows that I often meet you!

And he doesn't know that everyday I drive that far, just to see his car,

and hoping to meet him by chance..

Entah apa yang harus kukatakan

Hatiku bimbang jadi tak menentu

Now that I always feel confused and clueless. I can't stop this feeling and I can't have a spirit to live my day without loving you, although I know that you're already belong to someone else. I have no right and don't dare to break your bond, although sometimes I have a willing to do so.

Bukan maksud diriku melukai hatimu

Namun aku juga wanitaYang ingin merasakan cinta

As long as I don't declare my love to you, dear, everything is OK :D

I don't want to hurt you by saying these kind of things

It's only in me. No one else knows.

I need to fill my air with love, so that I can have a spirit to continue my life.

At least, to be more enthusiastic to improve myself, then show you that I have something worthwhile in me.

That's the advantage of having a soul of lovers inside me.

never never want to

really really love you

maafkan aku mengecewakanmu

really really love you

never never leave you

segera aku melupakan dirinya...

At first I didn't think that one day I will love you like this. And I didn't want to have this feeling. Then I decide to keep this feeling inside my heart and never tell you about this. I know that you will be disappointed if you know that I have a crush on you. What I know is that we are good friends. We share laughter together and you don't know that I have a feeling. You don't know that I directly forget the guy i've been searching for these days, for the sake of being with you, although I know that you have got your girlfriend.

Honey, do you know how much that hurts?

I write these not for forcing you to love me. No, I don't. 

Ketika susah FB-an...

*Ussyong posting dan akupun tergoda juga*

Aku pernah denger dari seorang staff English Self Access Center, kalo FB sering nggak bisa dibuka karena terlalu banyak orang pake FB. awalnya aku anggap remeh ucapan itu. akhirnya omongan dia terbukti juga.
udah berkali-kali aku coba buka FB dari dua modem berbeda, dari tiga laptop berbeda, dan dari PC tercintaku ini. and guess what? berkali2 aku dapati:

"This webpage is not available.
The webpage at http://www.facebook.com/ might be temporarily down or it may have moved permanently to a new web address."

Nyebellin! sekalinya bisa masuk ke halaman FB, ketika aku klik profilku, eh pedhot lagi. reload lagi. ga nyambung. exit tab. new tab. masuk facebook. gagal lagi. gitu terus berkali-kali.

Rek, bener. ini gara-gara terlalu banyak orang punya FB! Akhirnya bandwithnya abis.
akhirnya aku mencoba beralih ke twitter. bisa sih login dengan cepet, cuma belum banyak temen2ku yang pake twitter. akhirnya, hmm - tanpa bermaksud sok - AKU FOLLOW ARTIS-ARTIS... dan mengamati kegiatan mereka yang sama sekali gak kumengerti. dan hari ini, aku kok tumben susah mbuka twitter.

akhirnya iseng2 aku kembali ke friendster. dan aku langsung mual melihat BUANYAKNYAAAA anak ALAY bin NORAK wal KAMPUNGAN memenuhi FS. cepet2 log out karena bener2 ilfil.

It has been this difficult to use those social networking sites. Then I went back to this blog. I hope it can heal those upset feelings...
Umm... not went back, actually. last week I've posted one more poem, about - yeah, again! - Bu Rusna. It's the poem that I gave to her on her birthday.
And I feel so long to write on this blog, to share everything in my mind.

Kapan ya aku nggak nyebut kata "bu rusna" di postinganku?